last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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