I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
