I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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