I can text with my tongue
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
