dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
