Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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