Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
