I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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