it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
