I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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