I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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