I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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