I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
