by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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