cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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