when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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