you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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