Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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