He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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