dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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