Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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