how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
