Ambien. No doubt about it.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
