Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
