i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
