Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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