soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
