There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
