My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
