Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
