I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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