Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
