yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
he wants to bone in the snuggie
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
