I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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