So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
