Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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