11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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