sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
