mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
