he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
