And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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