No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
