I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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