yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize