I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
