I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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