Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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