My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize