She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
