I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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