So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
