Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
