dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
