I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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