The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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