all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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