My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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