I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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