evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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