I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Randomize
