I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
