The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize