My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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