I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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