Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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