it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
