come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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