Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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