it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
