hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
