I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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